bleeding, breathing, believing GREEN BAY-BE!!!...

Today is a big day.  I am trying to keep my head on, and my attitude positive.  It WILL be a good day...

I slept in, this morning ...  hours I probably didn't have to "waste", but needed to sleep. 

I also missed church.  I haven't been to church (with the exception of the odd visit when home) in 10 years.  I grew up in the church though, going regularily every week with the family.  I don't follow religion strictly, but I do consider myself to be a somewhat spiritual person, and sometimes there is a peace and sense of community in the church that is comforting.  ...  This morning I did prayer alone at home.

So.  Moving on.

Plan for today:
1.  Write paper
2.  Make bun's.  (T's mom's bun recipe.  Sometimes it works for me sometimes it doesn't.)
3.  Grey Cup PAR-TAY

The annual Grey Cup party is a big deal for me.  It is a tradition with a group of the family's friends.  Judy makes her hashbrown casserole and this amazing pretzel/white chocolate snack mix stuff.  There is a "Grey Cup" trophy, and ceremonial playing of an accordian...  It is good commpany and a lot of fun. 

My first Grey Cup party I was 7 weeks old.  I am told we were snowed in at the Verity's place.  Many a Grey Cup it was cold.  I have many memories of mom packing up dishes from the oven in towels with hot water bottles to keep them warm on the trip to where the party was being hosted that year.  My brother and I were also bundled up, and we were loaded onto the toboggan for the trek to the gathering.

I made the first 23 Grey Cup parties of my life. I have many fond memories.  The last three years have been busy and I have been unable to make the trip home - I joined a party else where, but it has never been the same.

I am back home for my 27th Grey Cup party!

This year is even more special.  Because.....   The Saskatchewan Roughriders are playing!!!!!

Wear your Green, and show your pride!!! 

*****

T, thoughts and prayers are with you, your mom, your family.

*****

Countdown:

25 sleeps
05 assignments
05 exams

*****

trusting and loving

M

trust and love....

I am learning to trust.  Myself.
I am learning to love.  Myself.

I remember a time - not so long ago, as recently as 8 months ago even - when I could just be myself.  This is who I am.  Take it or leave it.  Period.  I had a strong social support network of friends who loved me for who I was.

To clarify, the strong social support network of friends who loved me - still exists, they still love me.  I feel many of these relationships have become stronger.  In the last months, I have been able to open up more and trust them more.  I have become more true to myself and more true to those close to me.

So what has changed?  Where is this constant insecurity coming from?  How do I overcome it?

To clarify again, I am still just myself.  My personality is not one that allows me to hide my feelings.  I can try to hide my thoughts for some time, but they will always come out sooner than later.  What is changed is my take it or leave it attitude.

I care more than ever to say the right thing and to do the right thing.  I feel a need to be perfect.  I feel a need to be able to anticipate others' definitions of perfect in a situation - and then to fill that mould. 

They love me for me.  They want me to give opinion as it is mine, and to act as I feel I should.  These are things that make me the person that I am.  These are why they love and appreciate me.  And yet... I am continually second guessing myself.

How do I learn to let go? 

I want to trust myself again.
I my unwavering confidence back.

M

helpless...

Today, I find myself in control of my own world.  Strong.  Together.  Perspective has suddenly made my school - that for months now has created seemingly unsurmountable stress, a 1 out of 10 on the scale ...

And yet I feel helpless. 

One close to me is anticipating loss. 
I can not fix the problem. 
I can not help remove or carry the burden. 
I can not relate to the situation to empathize. 
I do not know what words or actions may provide comfort.
I fear no action is insufficient.
I fear some action may be too much or inappropriate.
I wish to provide support.
I do not know how to provide support.

I feel helpless.

Life is not fair.

I am lost.
I am trying to trust that efforts I make to be there - are understood and appreciated.
I am trying to trust that if I can do more - it will be asked.

I am here.
I want to help.

I will pray.

xo

M

if you're going through hell, keep going ...

Good advice.  Hard to take.  At least when I need it the most....  The rest of the time it just seems common sense.  Common sense to a rational relaxed human being, one NOT going through hell.

*****

I often fall trap to the overwhelming sensation of things that aren't going as I feel they should.  It is not long before I feel I am failing horribly.  Instead of taking a step back and tackling the hurdles in smaller increments, I decide that if I line two of them up together, run faster and jump harder,  I can overcome my first attempt and failure AND the manner which I have done so will be SO impressive that people will forget or ignore that I failed in the first place.

I approach the first set of hurdles doubled up......  CRASH.  Now what.   NOW  maybe, just maybe if I set them up three at a time.  All I have to do is run FASTER and jump HARDER.  I can do it.  I know I can.

CCCRRRRAAAASSSSSHHHHHHH

That didn't go so well.  This time there are scrapes and bruises to more than just my ego.  But I THINK if I line up four hurdles together...

My mind is starting to race ahead for me, watching myself tumble and fall and crash as I continue to line up more and more hurdles creating greater distances to cross, anticipating the pain and growing frustration.....  While I stand still.

It would have been more simple and less bruising to accept a small penalty at the beginning and to continue plugging away one hurdle at a time.

I can see that now.  As I set the hurdles up again and start from the beginning... one at a time... for now...

*****

Tonight I am humbled that what I am going through is not hell.  It is an essay.  All  I need to do is get the words down on paper.

I am of sound health
I am blessed with supportive family, boyfriend, and friends who love me

I am smart.  I am capable.

*****

Stepping back to find clarity and focus is not always this simple.
Question tonight is:

              Do you have tips or tricks for stepping back and putting things in perspective when
              you are overwhelmed?

*****

Countdown: 

28 sleeps
06 assignments
05 exams

*****

goodnight and bye for now,

M